what’re you doing ¬¬

over there with your rod & cone shaped hat  ¬¬

I was speaking to a woman last night  ¬¬  she spoke about being interested in the unseen  ¬¬  about wanting to speak from the unseen  ¬¬  to be unseen  ¬¬  or to be unseen while speaking  ¬¬  she meant speaking in performance, a performance  ¬¬  and I said I’m a long way away from performance  ¬¬  that’s what I meant she said me too  ¬¬  and I don’t think we were talking about the same thing or in the same way  ¬¬ 

part of it is that she’s an older woman  ¬¬  that’s how she phrased it I’m an older woman  ¬¬  but she’s only a little older than me  ¬¬  it’s a measure of what she was talking about i guess that i don’t define myself as an older man  ¬¬  but that’s not the main point  ¬¬  she was talking about talking from an unseen place  ¬¬  and i wondered if there was something lurking behind that  ¬¬  about the unseen being a better or more essential place  ¬¬  whatever that means  ¬¬ 

but then you or another woman  ¬¬  not an older woman  ¬¬  i guess i could say a younger woman  ¬¬  yes this younger woman ¬¬  (old young these are relative terms not absolutes)  ¬¬  mentioned lighthouses & their sweep their loom  ¬¬  and I thought of the glim and the spark across the water **  ¬¬  and i addressed her directly  ¬¬  well, you and her and Medusa  ¬¬  (or perhaps you are just snakes trying to distract me, to snare me)  ¬¬ 

you make me think of mud  ¬¬  (of course)  ¬¬  and how mud prevents you seeing how it scatters light  ¬¬  unlike a solution which combines and makes thing clear  ¬¬  which must be what we mean when we say we’ve solved it  ¬¬  it’s clear now  ¬¬ 

but she  ¬¬  the older woman ¬¬  she  ¬¬  she said w b sebold  ¬¬ 

and i got all weak at the knees because of course  ¬¬  tho there’s no reason you should know this, unless you’d been reading me closely  ¬¬  or listening acutely  ¬¬ w b sebold & all that trauma  ¬¬  all that faffing about the norfolk coast on the  ¬¬  mud flats  ¬¬  writing essays meditating on german complicity and worrying about his headaches  ¬¬  I don’t know if he did worry but she  ¬¬  the older woman  ¬¬  she told me his car accident may have been the result of an anueurism so in a fit of sebold-like fictionalising in an attempt to make things clear by obscuring them I imagined something he may have done  ¬¬  that  ¬¬  that is sebold and all that implies  ¬¬  that always gets me  ¬¬  and too this always ongoing subjunctive shift that’s clear as  ¬¬  mud  ¬¬ 

and yes it is an ongoing stream of consciousness  ¬¬  except that implies there’re banks and directions and some sort of incline or de-cline dee-cline not du-cline>  ¬¬ 

it’s not a stream but as you implied a wave  ¬¬  the wave that takes you down  ¬¬  draws you to neptune / poseidon since you were talking about odysseus  ¬¬  and remember this : odysseus is linked to  lamentation  to hatred  ¬¬  i guess because (a) he was hateful (because tricky) ¬¬  and (b) hated by the gods (made to wander about for so many years)  ¬¬  but the thing is this older woman  ¬¬  and remember that any woman might be medusa  ¬¬  she wanted to talk about sebold and the dark  ¬¬  and I told her i’m a long way from performance  ¬¬  sebold and odysseus and medusa and mud and lighthouses  ¬¬

** On the horizons of the sea—as we see them from the decks of a ship or from the beach—things loom from the glim. For a moment in the glim’s shimmering light and haze we see beyond the horizon, beyond the ordinary lights of our vision. Sailors … are the philosophers of ‘looming’. They tell us how sometimes the looming is distorted. Ships beyond the horizon appear upside-down, skewed on their masts or angled as if they were sinking. But sometimes a whole coastal landscape beyond the horizon is crystal clear, hung in the sky above the sea.

—Greg Dening ‘Ways of Seeing’ Readings/Writings 1998